As the year approaches another end, I think about what life has been like. This photo I took sums it up. I find myself more depressed and in a constant fog-like state of being. On the external, this year has been anything short of boring or terrible. My husband became a permanent resident. I scored a great job that I can say I enjoy going to daily. We bought a home. We’ve always had what we needed and never had to do without. I have a family that loves me and workmates that check in on me. What reason is there to be depressed? Yet, when I come home I allow dishes to pile up. I don’t wash clothes as often as I should. Cars full of trash. I don’t wear makeup and barely brush my hair in the mornings. Fast food. I never exercise or eat well. I sit on my bed and scroll on social media and sleep. My faith feels stable but is it? It’s raw but it’s the reality of my life now. And the thing is… so many people are living behind two lenses; who they are in the social media world vs who they are at home. Everyone has the need to feel accepted. I’ve studied too much of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to think otherwise. Some people just seem to have it all together with a happy marriage, an adventurous life, and abundant confidence. It’s a never ending merry-go-round of comparison and disappointment. Then, I see myself in the mirror and wonder where I fall so short. Performing a perception of happiness is an endless pursuit. This is where it leads: to a chaotic mind.
That’s where my journey is beginning this upcoming year. I want clarity. I want this year to be time for a sound mind, a confident heart, and peace that no one can take away. So, I decided to start a blog called Claridad (Clarity). It will be like an open diary in a sense. I hope that you follow me on this journey and know that you’re not alone.
Today has been a bad day. I feel like nothing can go right. It’s New Year’s Day. It’s supposed to be a day of refreshment and new prioritized goals. Yet, most of the day I have wanted to cry. Unpacking boxes is never fun. Thank God for my Mom and Dad who help me out. But I feel overwhelmed and alone. I want to believe this year will be a good year but it feels so bleak and unhopeful.
Moving into a new home is such a blessing. There is a sense of pride that fills me up. That this…is mine. I’m very thankful to have a family who has helped us out more than we deserve. Such a willing and selfless family. The home we purchased does not have WiFi. So far, it’s actually been kind of refreshing. I have absolutely been more productive. My mind seems to be less cluttered from mindless scrolling. So far, so good.
The boxes are piling up. It’s time to move. When I find myself reaching for one item to pack away, I think of a couple of reasons to keep it. “well, maybe I’ll use it one day…I don’t want to waste money…You will miss it….”
Why am I a martyr for an item? It is benefitting me? Or is it that I don’t like to let go? I tend to ignore the latter but know full and well that it is true. I find myself willing to make my home more like a storage unit for unnecessary things. Even on an emotional level, it’s prevalent. I catch myself comparing my life to others, wishing I made other decisions, etc. You name it.
It’s time for a change. I wonder what my life and my heart would be like if I took an adamant stance to live without fear of letting go. Would I gain self-confidence and love myself like I should? This has been going on for too long and it’s time to be ok with making this change for the good. Letting go of social media is the first thing. Instagram has been deleted. Steadily working on FB. Never been one for Twitter. I wonder if I can really do this.